| Here I sit, upon death row Electrodes fastened to my toes. And though I know that I must die I think I should apologize To those I know that I have wronged, Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs It was not what I really meant All those deaths were accidents. I did not mean to murder Sam Though I beat him with a ham. He said the meat was much too dry So I used his head to tenderize. And I did not mean to dispatch Sue by filling both her lungs with glue. I should have known there were better Ways for us to stick together. I have to say I quite regret Defenestrating my pal Chet. But really, how was I to know That window wouldn't just stay closed? Becky's death -- a random fluke; My prints were planted on that flute. And though they searched high and low They never found that piccolo. I spare a moment for good ol' Jake Who I deposited in the lake. I always thought that he could swim; I guess the restraints are what did him in. And oh, how I do miss Peter Though I stuffed him in a water heater. He might not have made it in this verse If I hadn'ta stuck him in head first. Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass! Taken down by methane gas. If I only knew then what I know now: Don't ever mess with a farting cow. And I'll admit, the point is moot Albert I did electrocute. Children, never take this risk: Water and toasters just don't mix. Wendy was an awful neighbor But I'm sorry about the elevator. I did not know she was in the thing When I snipped the cable like a string. I'd like to remember my good friend Drew Who I served up in a barbecue. It was his idea, really, because you see He always liked to say "Eat Me." I think I was misunderstood When I tied up Katie in those woods She always said she liked the bears So I put honey in her hair. Alan claimed he was a jock So I crushed him with a rock. His boast that he was made of steel Was something rather less than real. No one was more surprised than Joan That ferrets stripped her to the bone. Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy To place bacon up and down her body. Mike had on an amazing grin When I set him in liquid nitrogen. I did not do so for the hell of it; I wanted to put him in his element. Bob declared I was a buffoon; I set him aloft in a weather balloon. But there is not one who felt more grief When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet. Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy I placed him in an oven and set it on fry. I should have known better, that this was not The way to help women to think he was hot. So you see every death was quite accidental I would not blame you if you thought I was mental. But I would say that it is rather as such: My problem was just that I cared too darn much. Now here I go, to meet my God And all of my friends that I put in the sod. I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear: It's to help them up there as I helped them down here. |
-- John Scalzi
copyright(c) John Scalzi
John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia.
For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
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