Five Ways to Convince People You’re a Rock God

Five Ways to Convince People You’re a Rock God: "

In the rock universe, there are groupies, fans, and then there are rock gods. Not everyone can reach the status of a true rock god, much less live the heavy metal lifestyle associated with people who have made it to the Valhalla of rock and roll. It takes a lot of time and dedication to be a true rock god, but if you’re impatient or if you want to look and sound impressive, you can always pretend to be one. Here are five ways that you can use to convince people you’re a rock god.

1. Growl Every Time You Talk

Screaming and shouting on stage, drug use, and an addiction to tobacco can take its toll on the vocal cords of the heavy metal vocalist. Lemmy of Mötorhead has a distinct gravelly voice not only when he performs, but also when he talks. While you don’t have to permanently damage your speaking voice or risk your health, you can always pretend to have permanently scratched your vocal cords from your “days in the garage.” Every time you talk to somebody who does not know you so well, keep a consistent, heaving growl that sounds impressive, and can scare the pants out of any new acquaintance.

2. Carry a Guitar (Even If You Don’t Know How to Play One)

Some people wear shirts or merchandise from their favorite bands, but unless you’re Iron Maiden, you’ll only stand among hundreds or thousands of groupies. One of the signatures of a bonafide rock star is the electric guitar adorned with stickers or an edgy-looking body. The more impressive-looking the guitar is, the better. You don’t even have to know how to play it; you only need to carry it around like a warrior carries a sword. You may also want to adorn the strap with studs and rivets to make yourself even more like a true rock god.

3. Always Use the Corna

The corna (also called the “devil’s horns” or the “rock and roll salute”) was made popular by Ronnie James Dio during his days with Black Sabbath, and has been part of heavy metal culture ever since. To fully convince people that you’re living a rockin’ and rollin’ lifestyle, you may want to throw the horns around at every opportunity possible:

• After depositing or claiming money from a bank.


• Finishing up your order at a fast food restaurant.


• Filling your car up with gas, and paying the attendant.


• Raising your hand to ask a question in a meeting or in the classroom.
  

4. Hang Around With Hot Women

The goal of some rock god wannabees is to attract hot women, but a true rock god has hot women gravitate toward him. A good example of a womanizing rock star is Gene Simmons of KISS, who claimed to have slept with over a thousand women. If you’re in a party and you’re surrounded by attractive women, play it cool; let your natural rock god attract the women for you. Remember that rock stars don’t introduce themselves to hot women. Instead, hot women introduce themselves to rock stars just for those few seconds to bask in their glow.

5. Make Up a Band Name

One option is to play it like you’re a solo act, but it’s even more impressive if you have a “band.” You don’t have to have an actual band behind you to convince people how rock and roll you really are. All you need to do is to make up an intimidating, impressive-sounding band name that seemed to come from the very core of the lord and master of the infinite darkness. Here are some ideas you can use for your fictitious band:

• Biblical references are sometimes used by black metal bands, as long as you twist it a bit (and as long as you don’t offend other religious sensibilities). Try “Toxic Flames of Gomorrah,” or “Cana Alcohol.” You can also try names associated with destruction, like “Slaughterhouse Apocalypse,” or something impressive like “Guardian Angel Graveyard.”


• Heavy metal umlauts are particularly useful to give your fictitious band an impressive name when you have a couple of T-shirts printed. Even something as innocent-sounding as “Marshmallow Smores” becomes very heavy metal when you give it a Viking-like effect, like “Märshmallöw Smøres.”

There’s nothing wrong with pretending to be someone you’re not, as long as you do it in the right context, the right frame of mind, and if you do it all in good fun. Remember that there is a limit to all pretending and posing, and you don’t want to offend or tick off real rock gods that may be in your presence.