10 Awkward Moments

1. Talking to someone that has a lazy eye- this is hard for me because the whole time they are talking I really don’t hear anything they are saying. All I can do is keep asking myself is “I wonder if they can see me with both eyes?” If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know what I am talking about. The only thing that makes this worse is a severely lazy eye of what I like to call “the coma eye”. I am sorry but this nightmare started when I was in the eighth grade and my math teacher had a “coma eye”. She would call on me in class but she wouldn’t point or anything and then she would get angry when I would ask “are you asking me”? I am sorry but really was this my fault?2. You are at your new girl/ boyfriends place when all of the sudden Mother Nature calls. Now if it were for number one this would not be a problem. This was the wrong day to have the entire Chinese buffet for lunch and you knew this but we like to live dangerously, don’t we?

3. Talking behind someone’s back and they show up right when you are finishing up- this one has gotten me at least once a month since I turned twenty. I just don’t get it, I mean these people would never even come within ten feet of me normally but the moment I say one bad thing about them they want to be my BFF. Now you could probably play it off if the crowd you were with had any idea of how to act normal but they decide to go all silent and act about as weird as a human being possibly could. If you’ve been in this situation you know the rest of the story.

4. You get caught watching naughty internet “photos/videos” by your wife- this creates a silence like no other. You could actually hear an ant pass gas during this silence. You scramble in your head to find any excuse what so ever but you can’t come up with anything. Then it hits you “these darn pop ups, I don’t know why they won’t stop” just as she notices the timer that says that fifteen minutes have elapsed. Guess who’s sleeping on the couch again.

5. You are driving and someone pulls out in front of you- now you are very fired up! You begin cursing and riding their bumper. You are yelling and screaming while flipping them the bird. You see them shrug in the mirror as if to say “what did I do”? Then your girlfriend in the passenger seat has had enough of your rant. She looks at you and says “why did you run that stop sign”? At this time you look in the mirror and realize that you are an idiot!

6. You are taking a shower for a dinner party at your place that begins at six- it is almost five and you are ahead of schedule for once. You finish up in the bathroom and as you always do you walk to your bedroom in the nude. You look and you have no underwear so you walk down stairs to the laundry room. As you reach the bottom of the stairs (still in your birthday suit because your wife thinks it’s cute)and turn the corner into the kitchen your guest have arrived early, so you think. Your mother in law comes out of the kitchen and gets the money shot (She doesn’t find it as cute as your spouse does, shocking I know). You run back to your room and begin to thumb through the yellow pages for a therapist. Your significant other comes up to remind you about your conversation two days prior that the time had changed to five. Then she asks (as if your life weren’t already as bad as it could get) “did you pick up my parents thirtieth anniversary present”? “Oops”.

7. You show up at your girlfriend’s house – and there is another guy walking out the door with her. You come face to face with her. There is a long silence, it is broken by her voice “oh, didn’t you check your Face book”? Are you kidding me? Face book? Really? Is it even legal to break up with someone over Face book? Oh by the way, next time please send a private message, I really don’t need the entire Face book nation knowing I have E. D.

8. You get so drunk that you crap you pants. Enough said.

9. You are a shoo in for an award. It is time for the announcement. You begin to loosen up and prepare for you big acceptance speech. You have been waiting for what seems to be a month. It is time, the announcement comes and you stand up and begin walking to the isle when you see another person walking onto the stage. Everyone is looking at you like you are an idiot (when five seconds ago they thought you won too) so you continue walking to the exit and get to the front of the line at the after party.

10. You’re at your girlfriend’s house when you receive divorce papers- this probably wouldn’t be that awkward if your girlfriend knew you were married in the first place."