Showing posts with label Deadly English. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deadly English. Show all posts
Dear Dad Letter
"A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
19 Instructions That Sound Dirty But Aren't
19 Instructions That Sound Dirty But Aren't:
"Screw Tightly. Add lubricant if needed.
Be very sure to have a good grip before starting the exercise
Insert tab A into slot B
Not to be taken orally
If not at desired height, try another slot.
Insert batteries then twist end to turn on.
Beat until stiff (eggs)
Plug may become warm during charging, this is normal.
pucker and blow (instructions for whistling)
Be careful not to puncture the nipple
Place your head between your legs
Take your longest wood and get a strong grip on the shaft.
Discontinue use if discomfort starts to occur
Objects may appear larger then they appear
For repairs under warranty, contact the Representative servicing you
I'm glad that you are behind me on this.
If it doesn't fit hit it SOFTLY
Stand with your feet hip distance apart
Take out of packaging then insert into opening"
"Screw Tightly. Add lubricant if needed.
Be very sure to have a good grip before starting the exercise
Insert tab A into slot B
Not to be taken orally
If not at desired height, try another slot.
Insert batteries then twist end to turn on.
Beat until stiff (eggs)
Plug may become warm during charging, this is normal.
pucker and blow (instructions for whistling)
Be careful not to puncture the nipple
Place your head between your legs
Take your longest wood and get a strong grip on the shaft.
Discontinue use if discomfort starts to occur
Objects may appear larger then they appear
For repairs under warranty, contact the Representative servicing you
I'm glad that you are behind me on this.
If it doesn't fit hit it SOFTLY
Stand with your feet hip distance apart
Take out of packaging then insert into opening"
Mr and Mrs become Mrs and Mrs
Mr and Mrs become Mrs and Mrs:
"A husband and wife have 'remarried' as a gay couple - 14 years after the groom had a sex swap operation.
Bernard and Joyce Rogers wed in 1967 but have lived "like sisters" since 1991, when Bernadette, as she's now known, underwent gender surgery.
The retired physicist is now legally recognised as a woman thanks to the Gender Recognition Bill which became law last year.
And that meant she was able to have a civil partnership ceremony with Joyce.
Bernadette, of Woodford Halse, near Daventry, Northants, said: "We have exactly the same affection for each other we have always had.
"We have an absolutely ideal relationship. We complement each other in every way."
The proud 76-year-old added: "I stood in front of the mirror in my bedroom this morning and thought, 'Yes, you have done it now.' It is a sense of completion."
Before "remarrying", the couple first had to divorce - because the Gender Recognition Bill does not acknowledge a change in a transsexual's gender if the person remains married.
A judge this week granted the couple an early release from divorce proceedings at Northampton County Court, giving Bernadette a new birth certificate which showed she is a woman.
They were then able to have their civil union ceremony."
"A husband and wife have 'remarried' as a gay couple - 14 years after the groom had a sex swap operation.
Bernard and Joyce Rogers wed in 1967 but have lived "like sisters" since 1991, when Bernadette, as she's now known, underwent gender surgery.
The retired physicist is now legally recognised as a woman thanks to the Gender Recognition Bill which became law last year.
And that meant she was able to have a civil partnership ceremony with Joyce.
Bernadette, of Woodford Halse, near Daventry, Northants, said: "We have exactly the same affection for each other we have always had.
 |
"We have an absolutely ideal relationship. We complement each other in every way."
Before "remarrying", the couple first had to divorce - because the Gender Recognition Bill does not acknowledge a change in a transsexual's gender if the person remains married.
A judge this week granted the couple an early release from divorce proceedings at Northampton County Court, giving Bernadette a new birth certificate which showed she is a woman.
They were then able to have their civil union ceremony."
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