Showing posts with label Word Play. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Word Play. Show all posts

Word Play

Word Play: "
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
4. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
5. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
6. A calendar's days are numbered.
7. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
8. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
10. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
11. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
12. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
13. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
14. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
15. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
16. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
17. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
18. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
19. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

Tosser-Friendly Vocabulary

Masturbating is something that we do because it feels fantasmic. But sometimes there are just not enough words in the English language to describe the act and it's subsequent glory. That's why there are so many eupehmisms for the act of jerkin' it sweetly. Here are exactly 54 of them:

"fleshing out some ideas"
"managing the issues at hand"
boxing Helena
balancing your checkbook
"around the world in 80 seconds"
bashing the trash
Hawking a wiener loogie
unleashing the chinese dragon
"going supersonic"
playing roller derby with the home team
roasting the fresh hot nuts
screaming
loading the catapult
breaking the catapult
breaching the bladder
"banzai slide-kick"
setting your mind aflame with the redundant possibilities of the universe
the great pubic challenge
paying a visit to the cum fairy
food fight!
dropping the kids off at the pool
A Night in Tunisia
"murdering kidnapped children"
goin' RAMBO
applying to community college
listening to Wu-Tang
doing it "asylum style"
the carnival of souls
clowning around with mr. drippy
making penis-diarrhea
"waxing festive"
pocket-pummeling
fun with saran-wrap
spreading poison ivy
floorigami
taunting the ayatollah
playing pocket-horseshoes
playing pocket-sack race
playing pocket-egg toss
playing pocket-extreme skateboarding
playing pocket-ripcord (the)
arresting macy gray
fondling the infant duckling
kismet
Destination: Flammable Oil Rags in Garage
Table Weenis
The Taming of the Shrew
The Natural
Double Jeopardy
Correcting The Pop Quizzes
Flipping Through the Farmer's Palmanac
Making toilet babies
Hammertime!
Talking to the man in the mirror

В назидание потомкам

ВНИМАНИЕ В ПОСТЕ СИЕМ СОДЕРЖИТСЯ НЕЦЕНЗУРНАЯ ЛЕКСИКА НА РУССКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ !

All of the below is taken from the ENGLISHBAD community (livejournal). It's been specially sorted out and presented for the sake of showing that English can also be messed with. (I'd like to express my warmest gratitude to this community's members even if they call me a mean mo*** fu*** for using their ideas when they, by some fluke, see them here.)

fat trust – жиртрест

so as? - ну как?
but-but! - но-но! (лошади)
lavatorial water - туалетная вода
doctor's sausage - докторская колбаса
sunny kick - солнечный удар
stomachial - животное
pinnable - прикольно
floor member - пол. член
yes you what!? - да ты что!?
multi-purpose successive tire - универсальная последовательная шина (USB)
pass of a pork - свинопас
flying way out - летальный исход
not maybe! - не может быть!
father's verytable - папский престол
to salt for - насолить за что-либо
to vomit and throw - рвать и метать
to damage the air - портить воздух

erected entireness — поднятая целина

Pussy-cat — гнойная кошка

incompetent singing — недельный запой
beat-a-thief — воробей

nasal shawl — носовой платок

empty ring — пустозвон

self feeling — самочувствие
to drag a fool — валять дурака
to drink enough until little devils come — напиться до чертиков
это тупое сообщество — it's an obtuse assemblage
писать нет мочи — there's no urine to pee with

Can You hear me - Ты можешь меня здесь
Undressed custom model - Голая таможенная модель
Manicures - Деньги лечат
I'm just asking - Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there - У меня там фасоль
God only knows - Единственный нос бога
We are the champions - Мы шампиньоны
Just in case - Только в портфеле
Oh dear - Ах, олень.
I saw my honey today - Я пилил мой мед сегодня
I'm going to make you mine - Я иду копать тебе шахту
Finnish people - Конченые люди
Phone seller - Позвони продавцу
Good products - Бог на стороне уток
Let's have a party - Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! - Посмотри снаружи!
Let it be! - Давайте жрать пчел!
Press space bar to continue - Космический бар прессы продолжает ..

это прекрасный глаз, дорогой - that's a wonderful idea

towerless — безбашенный

beat grandmothers - заколачивать бабки

cunt with ears — пи… с ушами

knocker - стукач
picture all along silence - картинка по умолчанию

likewise - как умный

which one to eat! - какой есть!

floor intelligence — полоумие
they lived-they were — жили-были

horseradish knows - хрен знает

Путин = PooTeen ~ какающий подросток

* poo - какать (англ.)
   teen - подросток (англ.)

mail transfer disabled - доставка инвалида по почте

to overbuild smb — расстраивать кого-либо

a jolly leper — веселый проказник

to uncloud — разоблачать

he-like — оный

door about eat - дверной проем
along the news of Squirrels on - повести Белкина
swap awl for soap - меняй шило на мыло*
gun in the window - в окно дуло

Hour by hour doesn't lose weight - час от часу не легче

well, this is yes - вот это да

place estate - местоимение
under lying - подлежащее
behind the fifth – запятая

best man at a wedding - лучший мужчина на свадьбе

Remember the shit - this is it! Вспомнишь го…о - вот и оно! )))

simple gland — простата
not Nastya's day — ненастье

she's like a half of the evil — она сползла

honey examination — медосмотр

sick question — больной вопрос
on a lean end — на худой конец
to beat with key — бить ключом

toilet lock — запор в туалете

chalk drama — мелодрама
suffocatic — душистый
faggoties — голубцы
to moustachize — уссаться

undertale — подсказка

roll the lip - закатай губу

Can you hear me?.. -- Ты можешь меня здесь?...
некрасивый плащ – gowno

self fly – самолет

frombreathing - отдых
table b - столб
to open the centuries - открывать веки
I don't like co-cisterns - я не люблю собак

slim humor - тонкий юмор
thin hint - тонкий намек
his gut is too thick - у него кишка тонка
two pizza! - тупица!

Игра слов

Dear English Learners, прочитайте этот замечательный анекдот и если вы не улыбнётесь после прочтения оного, тогда вы ничего не знаете об игре слов, и как следствие вряд ли будете смеяться над большинством английских анекдотов.

Amazing But True

Raven-haired - having shiny black hair

Go flat – сдуваться

proceed to do smth – приступать

wheel cover - колпак колеса


The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."


P.S. Have a go at these three. (Если первый не смешной)

***

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

***

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

***

And my favourite one:

Two condoms walking past a gay bar.
One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"

Игра слов

Dear English Learners, прочитайте этот замечательный анекдот и если вы не улыбнётесь после прочтения оного, тогда вы ничего не знаете об игре слов, и как следствие вряд ли будете смеяться над большинством английских анекдотов.

Amazing But True

Raven-haired - having shiny black hair

Go flat – сдуваться

proceed to do smth – приступать

wheel cover - колпак колеса


The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."


P.S. Have a go at these three. (Если первый не смешной)

***

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

***

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

***

And my favourite one:

Two condoms walking past a gay bar.
One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"