Hard truths

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Tim Curry Rocks

Starting April 30 I'll be singing this beautiful song for my little sweetheart.

We are Volunteers Fighting Disease,
And we're cheerful all day long.
If someone said that we were sad,
That person would be wrong.

We visit people who are sick,
And try to make them smile,
Even if their noses bleed,
Or if they cough up bile.

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee,
Hope you get well soon.
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee,
Have a heart-shaped balloon.

We visit people who are ill,
And try to make them laugh,
Even when the doctor says
He must saw them in half.

We sing and sing all night and day,
And then we sing some more.
We sing to boys with broken bones
And girls whose throats are sore.

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee,
Hope you get well soon.
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee,
Have a heart-shaped balloon.

We sing to men with measles,
And to women with the flu,
And if you breathe in deadly germs,
We'll probably sing to you.

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee,
Hope you get well soon.
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee,
Have a heart-shaped balloon.

If you haven't heard this audio series yet, you I have been missing a lot.
This unforgettable voice belongs to Tim Curry
And the book he's reading is the best non-children's book I've ever read. I suggest you listen to it.
Мы братья-волонтеры, с болезнью борцы,
Поем-распеваем день напролет,
Кто нас печальными зовет,
Бессовестно тот соврет.
Мы ходим по больнице, больных веселя,
А ну-ка, улыбнитесь, страдальцы по весь рот,
Хотя б у вас из носу кровь,
Хотя вас желчью рвет.
Тра-ла-ла, все трынь-трава,
Уйдет болезнь, конечно.
Возьми – хи-хи! Возьми – ха-ха!
Воздушное сердечко.
Приедем мы в больницы, в палаты войдем
И примемся тут же до колик смешить
Тех, кого доктор посулил
На части распилить.
Поем мы днем и ночью, ночью и днем,
Поем для тех, кто бодрствует, поем для тех, что спят.
И для детей, что смазаны
Зеленкою до пят.
Тра-ла-ла, все трын-трава!
Уйдет болезнь, конечно.
Возьми, хи-хи! возьми, ха-ха!
Воздушное сердечко.

Cowboy Hats

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for assholes!

Hard Truths 2

It is better to die living than to live dying.
A believable lie is better than a stupid fact.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. That’s masochistic.
He who laughs last laughs longest. And has probably only just got the joke.

Real Life Proverbs

A secondary school teacher made a list of some well known proverbs and gave the class
the first half of the proverbs, so that they could complete the sayings. Here’s what they
came up with:
As you make your bed so shall you . . . mess it up.
Better to be safe than . . .  hit a teacher.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don’t bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a . . . mr.
You can’t teach an old dog . . . maths.
The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
There’s no smoke without . . . pollution.
A penny saved . . . is not much.
Two’s company, three’s . . . the musketeers.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and . . . you must blow your own nose.
Children should be seen and not . . . smacked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind . . . best get out of the way.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
No news is . . . impossible.
Love all, trust . . . me.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
None are so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . get new batteries.
People in glass houses shouldn’t . . .  run around naked.

Oscar Wild's Best Quotes

1. I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.  
2. Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
3. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt to people whom we personally dislike.  
4. Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people.  
5. Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
6. Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything, and when they grow older, they know it.
7. Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.  
8. The history of women is the history of the worst tyranny the world has ever known; the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that ever lasts.  
9. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite and a woman who moralises is invariably plain.
10. One should always be in love. That is the reason why one should never marry.  
11. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.  
12. Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them...rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13. Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.

Win A Divorce!

An Australian lads' mag is running a competition with a free divorce as the prize.

The competition will allow one disgruntled husband to "unleash themselves back to bachelor hood".
Zoo Weekly's £5,000 divorce package includes lawyers fees, court costs - and a divorce party with pin-up girls.
There is also a three-tiered divorce cake, a cleaner for two months, a plasma TV, Playstation 3 and a year's subscription to Zoo.
Zoo editor Paul Merrill said the divorce competition was the perfect way for a reader to "win back their freedom".
"If a marriage fails it's sad, but what's sadder is being stuck under the same roof as a woman who's just slept with your best mate," said Mr Merrill.
"Our lucky winner will get to escape and start a new whole new life. We'll help him at every stage - from buying a new plasma screen and throwing him a party, to finding him a new girlfriend."
The give away follows Zoo's previous offer of a free breast enhancement for a reader's girlfriend.
Girls were urged to send in snaps of their cleavage for readers to decide who needed the surgical enhancement the most.
There were thousands of entries received for what the magazine described as "the most romantic gift of all".

Useless Facts

1. There have been more than 900 nuclear explosions within 70 miles of Las Vegas since 1951.
2. In Italy, it is believed that men can ward off the evil eye by grabbing their crotch.
3. Fish can count to four.
4. The average man takes two years, 11 months and eight days to propose after first meeting his love.
5. The 43rd most popular baby name in America is Brooklyn.
6. Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
7. The British invented ketchup.
8. Chickens lay eggs that are the color of their earlobes.
9. Women have thicker skulls than men.
10. Lindsay Lohan is now more famous than Marlon Brando.
11. 55 percent of supermarket grocery cart handles are contaminated with bodily fluids.
12. It is believed that Adolf Hitler drew sketches of Dopey, one of the dwarfs from the movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
13. Dopey was the only one of the seven dwarfs who did not have a beard.
14. Dean Martin's California auto license was: DRUNK

78 Trivial and useful facts

1. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
2. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
3. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces are enough to kill a small sized dog.
4. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
5. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
6. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
7. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
8. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
9. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
10. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
11. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
12. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
13. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
14. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
15. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
16. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, stick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
17. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
18. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
19. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
20. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
21. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
22. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
23. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
24. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka and Bulgaria.
25. There are more chickens than people in the world.
26. The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.
27. The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
28. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
29. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
30. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
31. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears never stop growing.
32. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
33. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
34. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
35. When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
36. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
37. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
38. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
39. Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
40. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
41. "Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.
42. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
43. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter in the English language.
44. If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
45. Every human spent about half an hour as a single
46. Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
47. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
48. Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
49. According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
50. If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
51. Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.
52. Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
53. More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
54. Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
55. Coca-Cola was originally green.
56. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
57. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
58. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
59. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
60. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
61. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
62. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
63. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
64. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
65. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
66. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
67. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans. – Honey
68. A snail can sleep for three years.
69. All polar bears are left handed.
70. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
71. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
72. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
73. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
74. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
75. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
76. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

ColliderScope 2

Man Has A Brief Snack About to be given a Breathalyzer test by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, a Canadian man ate his cotton underwear believing that it would soak up the alcohol in his stomach so he could pass the test.

The Italian supreme court has outlawed men from touching their genitals in public.
Crotch-grabbing is an ancient superstitious habit in Italy that is believed to ward off the evil eye.
It's traditional for men to do it if passed by a hearse or when discussing serious illness or disasters.
However, the supreme court ruled that a 42-year-old man from Como had broken the law by "ostentatiously touching his genitals through his clothing".
His lawyers said he had a "compulsive, involuntary movement" because of uncomfortable overalls.
But the court ruled his behaviour was an "act contrary to public decency" and said the law "required everyone to abstain from conduct that is potentially offensive to collectively held feelings of decorum".
The man was fined. Judges pointed out that if men needed to grab their crotches, they should wait until they were in the privacy of their own home.

Newborn baby survives train loo fall
A newborn baby survived falling from the toilet of a moving train just moments after her unexpected birth in India.
The mother, called Bhuri, was travelling on an overnight train near Ahmadabad, in the state of Gujarat, when she gave suddenly birth, reports the Times of India.
Her brother-in-law Arjun Kumar, said she went to the toilet shortly before midnight and unexpectedly gave birth, eight to ten weeks short of term.
Toilets on Indian trains are usually simple holes through to the tracks, and the baby - who weighs barely 3lb - was small enough to slip straight through.
"She fell unconscious and the baby fell through the toilet," said Mr Kumar. "Two stations later, we knocked at the door.
"When we asked her about what happened, she said the baby had fallen through onto the tracks," he went on.
After finding Bhuri, relatives pulled the emergency alarm in the train and informed officials. A guard at one of the stations they had passed found the child on the tracks unhurt.
"She was on the rail track for almost two hours," said Dr. Gautam Jain, a paediatrician at Rajasthan Hospital, Ahmadabad. "We do not expect such children to survive."
The child's mother expressed her shock at events. "My delivery was so sudden," she said. "I did not even realise that my child had slipped from the hole in the toilet."

Marriage Ideal

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup
Whenever you are wrong admit it,
Whenever you are right shut up.

***
The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous. The way to lose him is to keep him a little bit more jealous.
***
Whenever a woman begins to talk of anything, she is talking TO, OF or AT a man.
***
Many a man works hard to keep the wolf from the door. Then his daughter grows up and brings one right into the house.

Amazing But True

1. # Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.
2. # The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.
3. # The brand name "Jelly Belly" was created in 1982 after Nancy Reagan made a much-publicized quip about her husband's 20-pound weight gain.
4. # The Internal Revenue Service audits 87 percent of women who claim breast implants as tax deductions.
5. # Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.
6. # Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.
7. # Comic duo Cheech and Chong were originally known as Spic and Span before changing due to pressure from Chicano organizations.
8. # The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.
9. # Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.
10. # British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.
11. # The curved shape of a hockey stick is a throwback to prehistoric use of mastodon tusks in a similar game.
12. # A Native American tribe in South Dakota collects bottle caps left by campers, using them as currency. Several banks in the area now recognize the caps as legal tender.
13. # Fish have "dandruff" caused by flaking skin, and it is impossible to filter all traces of it from drinking water.
14. # Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.
15. # The first case of the common cold was diagnosed in 1611 in Stratford, England. The patient? John Common, who coincidentally gave his cold to William Shakespeare who said the new malady exacerbated his lovesickness, thereby inspiring several of his most fondly remembered sonnets.
16. # "Hello Kitty" began as part of a covert propaganda campaign originally proposed by Prime Minister Tojo during World War II.
17. # When in heat, female hippopotami secrete an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries. Kalahari bushmen use the oil to make flat-bread treats for children.
18. # If an average human scrotum were stretched until all its wrinkles were smoothed out, it could hold a basketball.
19. # Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will change your eye color slightly.
20. # To commemorate ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920, U.S. playing card manufacturers replaced "staffs" with "hearts" as the fourth suit in the deck. The world soon followed.
21. # In 1960, a then-unknown Dan Rather auditioned for the voice of cartoon character Dudley Do-Right but was turned down by animator/director Jay Ward.
22. # When subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points toward the north.
23. # If the current trend continues, by the year 2215 midgets will outnumber "normal-sized" people.
24. # Scientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces the average lifespan by nearly two full months.
25. # In the late '90s, Microsoft secretly developed its own version of Linux, but shelved it after quality control researchers deemed it "too stable."
26. # No NCAA basketball team from a school located in its state's capital has ever won the national championship.
27. # The African black rhinoceros excretes its own weight in dung every 48 hours.
28. # The top three names for female babies born in China last year were Huan Yue, Jia Li and -- unlikely as it seems -- Buffy.
29. # Peter Maas, creator of the character Serpico, got his character's name from an ultra-expensive, highly-prized Malaysian liqueur made from fermented viper venom.
30. # Shortly before his execution, Timothy McVeigh constructed a scale model of the Lincoln Memorial with soda crackers.
31. # There have been four documented cases of humans who have hibernated through an entire winter.
32. # Strains of bacteria similar to E. coli have been found in spent printer cartridges -- but only in the cyan ones. Scientists have no explanation.
33. # The four different people who, at various times, tried -- and failed -- to become the Guinness Book of World Records' "Human Milkshake Volcano" by drinking five gallons of milk and then riding the Six Flags Screaming' Eagle roller coaster all shared the same birthday: September 18, 1970.
34. # The Australian aborigine language has over 30 words for "dust."
35. # Anyone convicted of animal cruelty in Sedalia, Missouri, is sentenced to a month's confinement in the county animal shelter.
36. # Fewer divorces occur in families in which the children wake their parents before 6 a.m. on Saturdays.
37. # A futuristic automobile designed by Ford for the movie Blade Runner was produced and sold in limited quantities as the "Ford Harrison."
38. # John F. Kennedy was an accomplished ventriloquist.
39. # A bad case of laryngitis forced Abraham Lincoln to lip-sync the Gettysburg Address. The speech was actually delivered by an aide hidden beneath the stage.
40. # A prominent organization of anthropologists has predicted that by the year 5000, humans will have two rectums, but only one nostril.
41. # For over a decade, the number of drive-by shootings has been directly proportional to increased gas prices.
42. # Two-thirds of all the world's coriander comes from a single valley in Italy.
43. # As the sheer volume of Internet traffic has increased, the friction of the electrons passing around the planet has increased the overall global temperature by .07 degrees.
44. # Contrary to popular belief, the white is not the healthiest part of an egg. It's actually the shell.
45. # A comprehensive multi-year study using pattern-recognition software determined that Millard Fillmore is the most common identifiable U.S. president seen in cloud formations.
46. # Baking soda and vinegar will make your scrambled eggs fluffier.
47. # The first prototype defibrillators delivered 1,200 joules of electrical energy instead of the now standard 360, occasionally causing dead bodies to sit upright momentarily as though they were still alive.
48. # Ancient Egyptians used molted cobra skins as condoms.
49. # Using its anal sphincter muscle, the Mongolian tapir is capable of creating high-pitched tones that can be heard by dogs nearly 30 miles away.
50. # Customs officials have dogs that are trained to distinguish between Cuban cigars and all other cigars.
51. # Archimedes' screw was the basis for Max Factor's invention of the twisting lipstick holder.
52. # A Tokyo inventor has developed a laptop computer whose battery is recharged by energy generated from the movement of the user's mouse, yet Sony lawyers have successfully blocked every attempt to produce a product using the technology.
53. # Female black cats can actually see their shadows at night.
54. # Ballpoint pens were invented by a Michigan scientist attempting to reduce the number of birds killed for their quills.
55. # Glamorous movie star Brad Pitt once had a summer job posting warning signs at coal mine entrances.
56. # U.S. Army medics in World War I knew of the germ-fighting properties of rodent saliva and carried hamsters in their medical bags to sterilize wounds in the field.
57. # An early draft of the Declaration of Independence included a line by Benjamin Franklin inviting King George to "kisse our collective arse."
58. # Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.
59. # The sound made when a duck passes gas is the precise acoustic opposite of its quack; if it does both simultaneously, there's no audible sound.
60. # Contrary to their popular image as spinsters, the average librarian has 5.9 random sex partners per year.
61. # The rhesus monkey is the only animal that can be taught to hum a tune.
62. # With the exception of a small 200-square-mile section of Antarctica, every single square kilometer of dry land on the planet has been walked on by at least one human being.
63. # In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.
64. # The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.
65. # The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.
66. # Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.
67. # Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch.
68. # Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.
69. # The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.
70. # The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.
71. # The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.
72. # Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say "gesundheit" to a sneezer was never repealed.
73. # Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans, but don't do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.
74. # SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.
75. # Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.
76. # Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.
77. # Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.
78. # The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.
79. # The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.
80. # You *can* get blood from a stone, but only if contains at least 17 percent bauxite.
81. # Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.
82. # Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.
83. # The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.
84. # The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Incan priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. The cats would instinctively grab at the ball with their claws, thus enabling players to catch them.
85. # A cat's purr has the same romance-enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White.
86. # The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.
87. # The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.
88. # King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.
89. # Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.
90. # In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.
91. # Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.
92. # Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.
93. # Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.
94. # Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.
95. # Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.
96. # You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.
97. # To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.
98. # Seven out of every ten hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don't play hockey, that figure drops to five out of ten.
99. # A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.
100. # A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations.
101. # Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an avid reader.
102. # Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.
103. # At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay, 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.
104. # Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.
105. # If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.
106. # Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.
107. # Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.
108. # Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg."
109. # When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.
110. # Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during summer months.
111. # Coca-Cola was the favored drink of Pharaoh Ramses. An inscription found in his tomb, when translated, was found to be almost identical to the recipe used today.
112. # If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.
113. # When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.
114. # In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.
115. # Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.
116. # Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.
117. # The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.
118. # Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.
119. # In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.
120. # It is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.
121. # The "nine lives" attributed to cats is probably due to their having nine primary whiskers.
122. # The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.
123. # The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.
124. # The Mongolian pony is the only animal other than an elephant capable of fending off an attack by a healthy adult tiger.
125. # Because of their unusual shape, Hershey's Kisses contain more calories per ounce than the same amount of chocolate in other forms.
126. # The French language has seventeen different words for "surrender."
127. # The average person can fit exactly one half of their pinky finger in one of their nostrils. However, if an attempt is made to put a pinky finger in EACH nostril, only one quarter of each will fit.
128. # Showing off at a party one evening, Chopin played the entire "Minute Waltz" in under 10 seconds.
129. # If the air in your car's tires is not completely replaced every two years, it can turn to liquid and cause severe damage.
130. # If you tar and feather a 2x4 and place it in your yard, it will ward off bats.
131. # The largest home in the United States, North Carolina's Biltmore House, was originally intended to be the official residence of a new monarchy to be established when the South rose again.
132. # The Toltec calendar was based on a 360-day year, with each day being about 24 hours and 20 minutes long.
133. # The universal size of low interest credit cards is based entirely on the size of the 1960s US Communist Party membership card. Credit cards were designed so that they wouldn't cause the Communist Party card to stand out.
134. # Nobody born in Kentucky has ever been elected to Congress.
135. # In an effort to improve the nutritional value of its "Shamrock shakes," McDonald's colors them with broccoli extract.
136. # Winston Churchill was born with a third nipple, which he removed himself with nail-clippers at the age of 14.
137. # Only a single dissenting vote prevented the death penalty in Texas from being carried out by immersing the convicted person in a nest of fire ants.
138. # If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant's soil every six months, the plant will not wilt.
139. # The ancient Arabic word "jorgbushii" translates roughly to "evil one who comes disguised in peace to drink Earth's black blood."
140. # In Finland, "Sintter Klaas" brings bad children a small bag of old toenail clippings.
141. # The practice of putting a letter "e" in front of words to mean "web-based" (e.g., eBusiness, eLearning, etc.) was patented by Microsoft in 1992. They are waiting until their anti-trust trial has been officially completed to begin enforcing it.
142. # The noun "sled" originates from the name of a 18th-century mountaineer from Finland, Schletz Linden, whose body was used by his climbing partner to slide down a mountain during a winter storm after he froze to death.
143. # If a cricket were the size of Mount Rushmore, it could jump to the moon.
144. # The increase in the amount of metals mined and brought to the surface of the earth in order to manufacture SUVs has caused higher tides in the Northern Hemisphere.
145. # Children conceived on airplanes never suffer from motion sickness.
146. # The life span of dogs allowed to dine in cat litter boxes is on average 18 percent longer than that of dogs restricted to commercial diets.
147. # Charles Darwin once attempted to breed flying monkeys by crossing chimpanzees with vultures.
148. # The steady, rhythmic sound produced by dripping water increases the capacity for sleeping males to experience lucid sexual dreams.
149. # Blue water in a toilet bowl causes males to urinate 7 percent more.
150. # Women who use chewing tobacco are three times LESS likely to accidentally swallow it while they are pregnant.
151. # The melody of the classic hymn "Amazing Grace" originated from a 12th-century pagan song celebrating masturbation.
152. # The Federal Department of Online Commerce has been compiling a list of US-based e-mail addresses. Once 100 million addresses have been collected, the list will be sold to online marketers as part of President Bush's plan to reduce the deficit.
153. # A 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms.
154. # The Yanomami tribesmen of the Amazon basin can track game birds by the slight difference in warmth their shadows create on the forest floor as they fly by, for up to an hour after the birds have departed.
155. # Contrary to the popular saying, 99 percent of the time you lead a horse to water, it'll drink on its own.
156. # The first Ford Excursion was actually designed and built in 1951. It was never marketed because the then-current braking technology required a drum 3 feet wide on each wheel.
157. # Rapid deforestation has decreased the friction of the surface of the Earth, causing it to spin infinitesimally faster and thereby cool the air, combating global warming.
158. # The flush toilet was invented in Flushing, NY.
159. # The inner core of most standard golf balls is made of nougat, which helps the balls remain aloft longer.
160. # On occasions when the sun is shining brightly on falling snowflakes, they contain enough ionic charge to stun insects. Observation of this phenomenon inspired the invention of the bug zapper.
161. # Over the last two decades, more Americans died of heart attacks while watching horror movies in movie theaters than died while sky-diving.
162. # A common misconception is that the term "salsa dancing" derives from the food condiment called salsa. Actually, the dance was invented in the 1930s by a dance teacher named Frankie Salsa.
163. # Every common food product, with the exception of fish and veal, contains some traces of peanut enzymes.
164. # The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666.
165. # An 18th-century law still on the books in Vermont makes it illegal for a woman to lick a stamp in a public place.
166. # Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of South American monkeys with a rudimentary system of government analogous to our own three-branch form of government.
167. # Constipation kills nearly twice as many people as diarrhea, mainly because the former mostly afflicts the old and weak while the latter mostly affects young, strong children.
168. # It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.
169. # If you fill a standard 750ml wine bottle with live hornets, their angry buzzing will resonate at precisely the right frequency to shatter the glass.
170. # During his famous "Blue Period," Pablo Picasso invented the substance that eventually became known as Play-Doh.
171. # Every year in the fall, Niagara Falls is shut down for maintenance for 24 hours. The flow is diverted using a massive series of pipes and spigots built for this purpose in 1837.
172. # The rare Chilean hummingbird has been known to suck blood from animals like a giant mosquito.
173. # Tap dancers frequently forget to breathe normally during difficult routines, resulting in an average of 200 tap dancing-related tragedies per year.

Why? Oh, why?

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
7. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
8. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
9. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
10. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
11. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
12. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
13. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
14. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !'
15. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
16. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
17. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
18. The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Death Facts!

20 unique facts about death

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No American has died of old age since 1951.
4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.
5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.
6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.
7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.
8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.
9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.
10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.
11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.
12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.
13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.
14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.
15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.
16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.
17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.
18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.
19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.
20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

Грамматический калейдоскоп

Deadly Grammar Boost

Повторение грамматических правил, которые так или иначе попадались и тут и там в рассылке с циничным названием English Booster. Каждое правило всегда было, есть и будет снабжено примером на закрепление.

• Правило 1. Have something done употребляется, когда мы хотим сказать, что что-то было сделано за нас, мы не делали этого сами.
  Пример: Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

• Правило 2. 1 дюйм = 2,54 см Пример: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

• Правило 3. Форма прошедшего времени глагола CAN - Could Пример:Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

• Правило 4. Если два действия идут один за другим в прошлом, это называется succession и используется Past Simple в обоих случаях. Пример: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

• Правило 5. В английском Passive Voice употребляется гораздо чаще, чем в русском. Пример: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

• Правило 6. Спиртным лучше не увлекаться. Пример: The most offensive drink is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

• Правило 7. В превосходной степени к односложным прилагательным добавляй -est. Пример: A German, Horst Schultz set the world record for the greatest distance a jet of semen could travel (18 ft 9). He achieved it with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

• Правило 8. Passive Voice употребляется в английском гораздо чаще, чем вы думали. Пример: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

• Правило 9. Избегайте употребления could (правильнее managed to) для того, чтобы выразить, то, что у вас получилось однажды. Пример: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

• Запомню назло всем: Alex Pup can definitely spoil your day.

10 Hard-to-Believe Facts:

1. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
2. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
4. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
5. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
6. If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
7. Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
8. Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
9. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
10. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

A Tip to Boot: "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language