Man attends his wake

A man held his wake early so he could celebrate with mourners.

 

John Noble, 52, was given months to live after doctors diagnosed him with motor neurone disease.
He invited 120 family and friends to a party near his Bristol home reports The Sun.
John said: "It was a cracking night. Everyone had a great time and I was glad I could say goodbye while I'm alive. It wasn't sad at all."

Man not washed for a year

A woman wants to divorce her husband because he has not washed for more than a year.

The woman, identified only as Mina, told a court in Iran: "He doesn't even wash his face." She says when they married eight years ago he showered three times a day and washed his hand every few minutes. "He suddenly changed. Now nobody, including me and my children, can stand him." Iranian women must prove neglect or abuse by their husband in order to get a divorce.

Bit of a bummer

A German pensioner is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg - and woke up to find she had been given a new anus.

The clinic in Hochfranken in Bavaria has suspended the surgical team concerned after they apparently mixed up the notes for two patients.
The woman complainant was expecting an operation on her leg, while another patient, suffering from incontinence, was scheduled for surgery on her sphincter.

 

The woman, who still needs to have the leg operation, is planning to sue the hospital and is looking around for another hospital to carry out the work.

Man Cut Off His Own Penis And Ate It

A 34 year old Malaysian man says he only realised that he had cut off his own penis, fried it, and then eaten it after he saw blood oozing from his crotch, say police in Bitiawan, Malaysia.

The man, currently hospitalised but in a stable condition, says that he had taken hallucinatory pills which made him hear voices. The voices told him to mutilate himself.

The national news agency reported that the man had only recently been released from a drug rehabilitation center.

Breasts, breasts, breasts

A Chinese woman forced her boyfriend to have breast-reduction surgery because his man boobs made her look flat.
Xiao Feng, of Chongqing, threatened to break up with Zhang Jianguo unless he underwent surgery.

Zhang, who is 5ft 7ins tall and weighs 15 stone, explained: "She said that whenever we went out, she felt embarrassed because my breasts were eye-catching compared to hers."
Doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Chongqing Medical University sucked out more than 200ml of fat and tissue from his breasts.

Bon Apettitttt

Two Russian men, one of them a butcher, have been arrested on suspicion of killing, cooking and eating a 16-year-old girl in St Petersburg.

Prosecutors said that the girl disappeared while on her way to school on Jan 19. She was killed that night and then body parts believed to be hers were later found in plastic bags scattered around the city.

Police arrested Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient. Prosecutors believe they drowned the girl in a bathtub, cut her body into pieces and ate some of her internal organs in an act of cannibalism.

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

He said that the accused told investigators that they baked some of her insides with potatoes in a stove, he said.

They allegedly then bagged up her remains and disposed of them. He said that both men are being held on suspicion of murder.

The suspects, both 19, knew the victim, and she accompanied them voluntarily to an apartment rented by another acquaintance on the day she went missing, Mr Kapitonov said.

They were arrested on Saturday, a day after plastic bags - one containing a girl's head and others holding other body parts - were found in at least two separate locations.

The St Petersburg news website fontanka.ru cited a top city prosecutor, Andrei Lavrenko, as saying investigators believe the suspects decided to kill the victim after an argument erupted between the girl and Mr Golovatskikh.

Lawyer regrets obituary prank

A US lawyer who placed an obituary notice about his friend as an April Fools' Day joke has admitted it was an "immature mistake".
Peter Segall, a public relations executive and lawyer, placed the notice about former US ambassador Edward Gabriel in the Washington Post.
The gushing tribute appeared with a photograph of Mr Gabriel who was US ambassador to Morocco from 1997 to 2001.
"Though I no longer have you as my partner, this day will always be OUR anniversary... I could never quit you," the ad read.
Mr Segall, who has since paid for a retraction in the newspaper, described himself as a mature man who made an immature mistake.
"I engaged in a very stupid and ultimately cruel April Fools' joke against a man that has been my best friend for 30 years, and I deeply, deeply regret it," he told the Washington Post.
Mr Gabriel said he fielded calls all day from friends who thought he had died. One woman told him she spent two hours crying after seeing the ad.
"He's an old friend who plays jokes on me every year, and some are hilarious, but they've been private," he said.
"He's a good friend who went a little too far. He's apologised profusely, and I've accepted it, but not without being a little hurt. I think - I know - he had no ill intent."

Bachelor Style

1. Он может не ночевать дома по нескольку дней и не получать никаких истерик.
2. Он не шарится по бутикам, нагруженый пакетами с сапожками и чулочками.
3. Он может мусорить на кухне в своё удовольствие.
4. Ему не нужно отпылесосивать ковры и мебель от шерсти её домашнего любимца.
5. Слышит слово "диета" только из телевизора. Да и то раз в месяц.
6. Он может положить на все и всячески зарядки не рискуя нарваться на её нытьё о здоровом образе жизни.
7. Он может слушать металлику и рамштайн на полную громкость в своё удовольствие.
8. Он может лазать по порносайтам из дома любое время суток, а не по вечерам и только на работе.
9. Он передвигается по квартире легко, не натыкаясь то и дело на горшки с пальмами и велотренажеры всех мастей.
10. Пребывает в счастливой уверенности, что человеческому существу достаточно для комфортного существования
одного куска мыла.
11. Он может перед сном выпить пива и заесть его луком.
12. Не ищет по всей квартире предметы, которые она спрятала во время уборки в самые недоступные места.
13. По его квартире не валяются тонны дурацких женских журналов.
14. Нет никакой "её мамочки".
15. Он может подбирать в барах и приводить в дом женщин. Много женщин.
16. Его компьютер не ломается, не заражается вирусами и не теряет нужные файлы во время его отсутствия.
17. Он перестает опаздывать, потому что никто не задерживает его своими сборами.
18. Он может дарить цветы кому угодно, не получая за это семейные скандалы "а ты помнишь, когда дарил МНЕ цветы в последний раз???"
19. Он может спокойно питаться сосисками и пельменями, а не неудачными кулинарными экспериментами.
20. При слове «ужин» тоже думает о ресторане, а не о супермаркете.
21. Почему-то совершенно не интересуется новыми технологиями избавления от волос на ногах.
22. Он комфортно чувствует себя в квартире, в которой не горит половина лампочек, капает вода из кранов и облупленый потолок на кухне.
23. Сидит в интернете сколько влезет, не прерывая закачки из-за всякого рода неотложных звонков подругам.
24. Не путается в десятках бутылочек и коробочек, загромождающих полку в ванной.
25. Он может раскидывать свои носки по квартире в любых удобных ему местах.
26. Он непринужденно приводит домой друзей с целью устроить шумную вечеринку в чисто мужской компании. Хотя подружек с 3м размером бюста никто не отменял.
27. Он бреется тогда, когда ему перестаёт нравится лицо в зеркале, а не когда он "колется".
28. Он не должен сдерживать отрыжку от пива.
29. Может в любое время приятно помечтать о том прекрасном дне, когда вы с ней, наконец, решите жить вместе.

1. He could not sleep at home for several days and did not receive any hysteria.
2. He did not sharitsya to boutiques, laden with packages and sapozhkami chulochkami.
3. It can litter the kitchen in his pleasure.
4. He does not need otpylesosivat carpets and furniture from the wool of its pet.
5. Hears the word "diet" from the TV. Yes, and then once a month.
6. He can put on all and every charge is not the risk of running up against her nagging about healthy lifestyles.
7. He can listen to metallic and рамштайн at full volume at its pleasure.
8. It can lazat on pornosaytam from home any time of day, not only in the evenings and at work.
9. He moves easily on the flat, not natykayas time and again to the pot with the palm trees, and bike all stripes.
10. Dwells in the happy belief that the human being is enough for a comfortable existence,
one piece of soap.
11. He can drink a beer before going to bed and zaest his bow.
12. Not looking for subjects throughout the apartment, which she hid during the harvest in the most inaccessible places.
13. He does not lie flat stupid tons of women's magazines.
14. There is no "it мамочки.
15. He can pick up in bars and lead to the house of women. A lot of women.
16. His computer is not broken, do not become infected by viruses and do not lose your files during his absence.
17. It ceases to be late, because no one kept him his dues.
18. He can give flowers to everyone, not for it, family scandals "and you remember, when I granted the flowers last??"
19. It can safely eat sausages and dumplings, and not failed culinary experiments.
20. When the word «dinner» also thinks about the restaurant, not a supermarket.
21. Why is not interested in new technologies to get rid of hair on the legs.
22. He feels comfortable in the apartment, which is off half the lights, drip water from the taps and the peeling ceiling in the kitchen.
23. It fits on the Internet as vlezet without interrupting pumping due to any kind of emergency calls girlfriends.
24. Do not confuse the dozens of bottles and boxes, cluttered shelf in the bathroom.
25. It can spread their toes for the apartment in any convenience to him the ground.
26. It naturally leads home of friends in order to make a shindig in a purely male company. Although the street from 3m size bust, no one canceled.
27. He breetsya when he ceases to love the person in the mirror, but not when he "tunic."
28. It should not deter from belching beer.
29. May at any time, a pleasure to dream about the wonderful day when you're with it, finally decide to live together.

Iceman can't stand da heat

A Russian man who suffers from a rare disorder that means his body easily overheats has been divorced after moving to Siberia and turning his house into a fridge. Vitaly Matyukhin, from Arkhangelsk, converted his new home into a fridge after being told by doctors that he was suffering from a "heat exchange disorder".
The condition means he risks overheating if exposed to anything over five degrees Celsius, the Moskovsky Komsomolets daily reported. But after Matyukhin converted his home his wife Olga and their son walked out, saying they could no longer stand the cold.
The condition started after Matyukhin was taken to hospital suffering from heat stroke, which according to doctors upset his body's internal method of regulating his body temperature.
He said he now only ever leaves his house late at night in winter when the temperature drops below freezing.

Man swaps wife for goat

A Bulgarian farmer has swapped his wife for a goat - because she couldn't give him kids. Stoil Panayotov exchanged his third wife with Elena the eight-year-old goat at a livestock market, reports the Daily Telegraph. The extraordinary deal was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv, central Bulgaria. "The day before a friend told me that he has had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife," says the 54-year-old. "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval. The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none. "So this deal was more profitable to the goat owner, I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

Finger Lass

A Canadian man's refusal to pay a prostitute for her services resulted in him losing part of his finger after the prostitute bit it off. A struggled ensued and the man ran off, but left crucial evidence at the scene, namely his company car. "It was a company truck with the big name and phone number on the side, so that helped -- our investigators are pretty smart," Police said. The man went to the hospital to try and have part of his finger reattached.

Virgin on the ridiculous

A Romanian fed up with neighbours' gossip has been to a gynaecologist to prove she is still a virgin at the age of 60.
Rodica Trandafir, 60, from Bacau county in eastern Romania, posted the results of her virginity test to neighbours to stop rumours in her hometown.

She told local media: "I'd had enough of locals gossiping - they said men kept coming to my house at all times of the day and night."
She has now visited a gynaecologist who confirmed she was a virgin and gave her a certificate to prove it - which she then posted it to all her neighbours. She added: "There has been some nasty gossip about me. The men my neighbours are talking about are relatives who are helping me do some work on my house.
"To make such accusations about a woman of my age is disgusting. I hope now they will all shut up. To claim I am a loose woman of any kind is outrageous."

Victim offers robber a cuppa

A Czech man abandoned an armed robbery after a shop assistant invited him for a "nice cup of tea and a piece of cake".
He had pulled out a gun to demand money from Marketa Vachova, 59, at the supermarket in Cesky Tesin in the northern Czech Republic.
But, even though his face was hidden by a Spiderman mask, Marketa decided the robber "seemed like a nice young man".
She said: "I asked him why he was doing this and we got talking. There was no one else in the shop so I guess he relaxed a bit, and in the end he apologised.
"I said if he wanted he could come and talk to me and have a cup of tea and slice of home made cake to talk about his problems. He agreed and then walked off."
Police are searching for the man who faces ten years in prison for attempted armed robbery.

Rob Professionally

At a Kmart in Chesterton, Ind., a woman suspected of shoplifting was stopped in the parking lot by police, who dumped out her purse and found two dental kits, a bottle of cologne, one toy car, 12 packs of Ponds Facial Strips, a bottle of antifungal cream, two fingernail kits and two bottles of foundation primer that were stolen from the store. When asked if she had taken anything else, the woman replied "no," but when informed that she would be patted down by the officer, the woman unbuttoned her pants and pulled out 10 DVDs, a Play Station video game, a pair of white tube socks, a black and red bra, a pair of women's underwear with the word "pouty" printed on them, three pairs of boys underwear and two women's rings.

Dumb

Today's bonehead award goes to Linda Stewart 39 of Columbia Tennessee. This story was reported by the Associated Press today.
Stewart's husband, of just 2 months, fell asleep in bed the night before with a lit cigarette which left a burn hole in the bed. If she hadn't caught it the house might have burnt down.
So Stewart, being a bonehead, thought hard about how she could prove to her husband just how serious this problem is. So to prevent her house from being burned down so carelessly she put a lit cigarette on the bed the next day and left the house just to show her husband what could happen.
About the only thing Stewart had left after that was the satisfaction of saying "I told you so" because the house completely burned down. Which was a relief now that she could show her husband the error of his way so that he doesn't burn down the house.
She was arrested for arson. Of course if she convinces herself that she was just trying to show what happens to people who purposely burn down houses then I guess it may have been the right thing to do, to her way of thinking. Or maybe not. Does anyone understand this woman?

Pulling eyes out? Half the job!

HOUSTON (AP) -- A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it. Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.
While in the Grayson County Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
A death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the

infirmary.
"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.

Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler after the Dec. 9 incident. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.
"He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1," Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas' trial attorney, told the Sherman Herald Democrat. "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."
At his trial, defense lawyers also argued he suffered from alcohol and drug abuse.
Thomas does not have an execution date.
The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee.
Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.
Thomas told police how he put his victims' hearts in his pocket and left their apartment, took them home, put them in a plastic bag and threw them in the trash.
Court documents described the three victims as having "large, gaping wounds to their chests."

Naked man arrested for shouting at trees

A German man has been arrested after a marriage guidance counsellor advised him to run around naked shouting at trees. Dieter Braun, 43, from Recklinghausen said the stress release technique had worked perfectly until he was arrested. He told police that venting his anger on the trees had stopped him shouting at his wife. "If I didn't go to the woods and scream at the trees then my marriage would probably be over," he said.
He added taking his clothes off at the same time made him feel more relaxed. "For me it's a type of relaxation therapy. Feeling the breeze on my naked skin really calms me down." But local police said other visitors to the forest did not find his behaviour relaxing and have now charged him with causing a public nuisance.

I love hedgehogs as well

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice. Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation. But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated. A hospital spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis."

Robber up to his neck in it...

A Romanian robber was caught after he fell into a cesspit beneath an outside toilet while being chased by police. Police were pursuing the 30-year-old, from Moara Vlasiei village, Ilfov county, after he allegedly robbed a teenage girl. He had managed to run away by jumping a few fences and climbing over some roofs untill he hid in an old lady's toilet. But he was found there by the owner who needed to use the toilet during the night. When he tried to run away the toilet's floor collapsed and he fell through the hole into the cesspit below. A policespokesman said: "It was a really smelly business: we had to clean the robber and give him new clothes before even talking to him."
A cesspit is a hole or tank in the ground into which waste water and sewage flow.

Fancy Meeting You Here

A German man survived a 25ft plunge down a lift shaft when he landed on a woman who had fallen down it a day before.
Jens Wilhelms, 27, was unhurt after landing on the 57-year-old woman and managed to free himself from the shaft at the apartment block in Frankfurt am Main where he lived.
He called out rescue services who took the woman to hospital. Doctors said she is in a critical condition after sustaining injuries in her original fall - and then again when Wilhelms landed on her.
Police spokesman Manfred Vonhausen said: "The woman had been lying unconscious in the shaft for some time already.
"Although it made her injuries worse it also probably saved her life that he fell on her as it meant he knew she was there and managed to get help."
Rescue workers said that without Wilhelm's plunge the woman would have died from internal bleeding.
"It sounds really bizarre," one rescue worker said afterwards, "When Wilhelms fell down on her his weight caused additional damage to her body, but without that she could have laid there for days."
Wilhelms said he had slipped as he walked past the lift shaft which had been left open as it was undergoing repairs.
"I live on one the top floor and it was quite a nuisance to always climb the stairs," he said.
"I saw the door open and I just wanted to check whether somebody was finally working on the elevator.
"I took a closer look inside the shaft as it was pitch black, and must have slipped off the edge somehow."