Fall-flat Jokes

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.

I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn’t put it down.

Q: What’s the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.

Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.)

Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.

Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.

Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.

Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.

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Joke of the Day

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Milan, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks,

"Now, you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he l ooks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,

"No, I Swedish!"

Joke of the day

This one goes out to all those ppl who hate being plagiarized and leave a lot of trash comments instead of simply requesting to delete the post that is been unwittingly borrowed from their blog just to be remembered. It sux when people you look up to turn out such ... . But that's life.

My mother caught me shaving my arse in the kitchen the other day.
She was astounded as to how I obtained the donkey in the first place.

ROFL

Word Play

Word Play: "
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
4. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
5. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
6. A calendar's days are numbered.
7. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
8. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
10. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
11. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
12. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
13. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
14. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
15. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
16. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
17. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
18. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
19. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

50 Useful Insults

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?
2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.
10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.
11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. You should need a license to be that ugly.
13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
16. You have the IQ of lint.
17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.
24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.
31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.
34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.
35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.
36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!
39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

Chastushkas

This morning didn't seem something out of the ordinary until I read this. (dr_)eburg from a lj community translated some funny russian folk songs into English and the result is hilarious)

Со стола упало блюдце
Самовар качается
На столе когда е...тся
Шумно получается

Coffee pot’s a bit unstable
Dishes fall around
Fucking on a little table
Makes a lot of sound

По деревне мы идём
Всем подарки раздаём
Кому сына кому дочь
Чтобы Родине помочь

Two of us – me and my buddy
Giving gifts to everybody
You get daughter, you get son –
Patriotic duty’s done!

Я с.....ла давеча
У Степана Саввича
Он на вид холёненький
А на вкус солёненький

I was in a horny mood
And I blew Stepan
He is smart and looking good
Salty on the tongue

Говорит старуха деду -
Я в Америку поеду!
Ах ты старая п....,
Туда ж не ходят поезда!

Wife is telling her old man:
“Book me US fare!”
“Stupid cunt! Don’t think you can –
Trains aren’t going there!”

С неба звездочка упала, Прямо милому в штаны. Пусть горит там что попало, Лишь бы не было войны!

Star has fallen down the heavens Right into my boyfriend's briefs. I don't mind his roasted penis, If it helps us live in peace.

По реке плывет топор, Из села Кукуева. Ну и пусть себе плывет, Деревяшка хуева!

Down the river drifts an axe From the town of Byron. Let it float by itself, Fucking piece of iron!

Рыбка плавает в томате, Ей в томате хорошо. Только я, едрена матерь, Места в жизни не нашел.

Fish in thick tomato sauce Swims in happy comatose Only I, pathetic wimp, Have no fucking place to swim.

Я лежала с Коленькой совершенно голенькой, Потому что для красы я сняла с себя трусы.

I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked, 'Cause I took my panties off just to make a statement.

Наступила осень, Отцвела капуста. До весны уснули, Половые чувства.

Winter is approaching, Ice is on the wires. Cold put the stop to, Sexual desires.

Девки в озере купались, Хуй резиновый нашли Целый день они игрались, Даже в школу не пошли.

Girls have found a rubber penis While goin' to the pool Had a fun a whole morning, Even didn't go to school

Ты вчера была моя, А сегодня Мишкина. Хуй у Мишки, как сосна На картине Шишкина.

You were mine the other day, Mike's screwing you today. He's got dick as big as trees On Piccasso's masterpiece...

У деревни, у села, Прямо за околицей Парень девушку ебёт - Хочет познакомиться.

Guy and girl are having sex In the country area He would like to ask her name But he's little bit ashame

Меня девки с собой звали, А я с ними не пошел - Пиджачишко на мне рваный И xуишко небольшой.

Girls have called me to the party I decided not to come, It's because my jacket's dirty And my dick is tiny one.

По деревне шел Иван, Был мороз трескучий. У Ивана хуй стоял, Так, на всякий случай.

Nick is crossing village slowly Outside it's cold and snowy. But his dick is up and running Just in case if someone's coming.

Мы ебали все на свете, Кроме шила и гвоздя: Шило колет нам залупу, А гвоздя ебать нельзя…

We can dare fuck whatever, Well, except for nail and awl: Awl will prick my dick forever, Nails cannot be fucked at all…

Едет поезд из Тамбова, буфера белеются Девки едут без билетов - на пизду надеются

Train is speeding from Tambov Tailgate lights are on and off, Girls aboard would - what the heck! - Fuck their way through ticket check

Девки спорили на даче У кого пизда лохмаче. Оказалось, что лохмаче У самой хозяйки дачи.

Girls had fight at country hut Over who's the hairest cunt. Well, more hair of the most Had the beaver of the host.

Сидит Коля у ворот и не пляшет, не поет. Он сидит ни бэ, ни мэ - одна ебля на уме

Nick is sitting at the door, Neither dancing, singing nor, He is sitting, deaf and dumb, Thinking only "Whom to hump?"

Не ходите, девки, замуж Ничего хорошего Утром встанешь - сиськи набок И пизда взъерошена

My advice to future bride: Don't get married, silly! Morning comes - your boobs aside, Snatch is rumpled illy...

На горе четыре хуя танцевали краковяк Один хуй другого хуя хуем по хую хуяк.

Have you seen four dicks together Dancing on a mountain peak? And one dick had fucked another But with yet another dick

Я тащу тебя за ноги в придорожные кусты. Не ебать же на дороге королеву красоты!?

I'm drugging to the bushes Pigeon of America She's too gorgeous to be fucked in the parking area.

Тихо в лесу, Только не спит лиса. В жопу ее укусила оса, Вот и не спит лиса.

The forest is quiet, Everyone sleeps but a Fox. He's got a bite of a bee in his cox, So can not sleep a fox.  There was a young fellow of Mayence, Who fucked his own ass - in defiance Not only of custom And morals, dad bust him, But most of the known laws of science. Сам себя адвокат из Претории Трахнул в жопу в отеле "Астория", Чем нарушил приличия, Вековые обычаи И с десяток научных теорий. (Архип) A pancy who lived in Khartoum, Took a lesbian up to his room And they argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. С лесбиянкой решил как-то раз Переспать молодой педераст. Но пришлось им решать: Кто же должен совать Что, кому, как, куда, сколько раз? (Архип) There was a young girl of Spitzbergen Whose people all thought her a virgin, Till they found her in bed With her quim very red, And the head of a kid just emergin. Лаборантка по имени Верочка Уверяла мамашу: "Я - целочка!" Но вчера некий Рома Позвонил из роддома И сказал, что у Верочки девочка. (Архип) There was a young man named O'Rourke Heard babies were brought by the stork, So he went to the zoo And attempted to screw One old bird -- end-result: didn't work. Раз услышал плебей из Платей, Будто аист приносит детей. Чтоб проверить сей факт, Эротический акт С бедной птицей провел без затей. (Архип) According to old Sigmind Freud, Life is seldom so fully enjoied, As in human coition In every position With the usual organs employed. Как нас учит профессор из Вены, Можно счастливым стать совершенно Лишь в сношеньи обычном В позах самых различных При посредстве естественных членов. ( Виктор Агрошкин) Rosalina, a pretty young lass Had a bruly magnificant ass: Not rounded and pink, As you possibly think - It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. У вдовы из предместья Сен-Жюст Был весьма замечательный бюст Был он мраморно-белым Бакенбарды имел он И табличку "Писатель М. Пруст" ( Юстас ) Поражала вдова из Сен-Жюста Всех знакомых размерами бюста. Зря заерзали вы - Этот бюст был, увы, Не вдовы, а писателя Пруста. ( Юстас, редакция Ерша) The typists in Wheesley and Beesley All fornicate keenly and eas'ly, In this pleasant way They add to their pay Which in Wheesley and Beesley is measly Машинистка с предгорий Урала Всем легко и охотно давала Но не ради разврату - Чтоб повысить зарплату, Машинисткам ведь платят так мало! (*фраер*) Секретарша из Ленинабада Обслужить москвича всегда рада. Но имейте в виду - За приличную мзду, Ведь зарплата у ней маловата. (Д. Данилов) There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Раз скрипачка в далеком Пекине Две струны натянула в вагине И во время оргазма (Если пеннис как раз был) Раздавался ноктюрн Паганини (Ворчун, под редакцией ИР) There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To - I won't say `a bitch' - But a woman of no reputation Юнец незапятнаной честности Найден в худшей канаве в окрестности Своим набожным дядею, Не сказать, чтобы с блядью, Но с особой скандальной известности There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love to a bitch In - I won't say `a ditch' - But a terrain of no elevation Юнец незапятнаной честности Найден с худшею блядью в окрестности Родней и друзьями, Не сказать, чтобы в яме, Но в весьма невозвышенной местности -- Д. Прокофьев, Д. Вахтин A crusader's wife skipped from the harrison And had an affair with saracin. She was not oversexed, Or jealous, or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. Чернобровая дева из Азии Отдалась молодцу-ашкенази. Ей не то, чтобы мало От своих попадало, Но хотелось ей разнообразия. -- А. Балаефф Замполита супружница Ксения С командиром сошлась отделения И без тени стыда - Ведь не ради блуда, А всего лишь для сопоставления. (Д. Данилов) A worried young man from Stamboul Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, `Get out of my clinic! Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.' Молодой человек из Припяти Разглядел на конце десять пятен. Побежал он к врачу, Тот сказал: "Не лечу Я следов от помады, приятель!" -- С. Фомел The typists in Wheesley and Beesley All fornicate keenly and eas'ly, In this pleasant way They add to their pay Which in Wheesley and Beesley is measly. Машинистки из города Гродно Отдаются легко и свободно, И за этим занятием Добавляют к зарплате им Обитатели города Гродно. -- Д. Прокофьев There was a young lady from Eaton Whose figure had plenty of meat on. She said: 'Wed me, Jack, And you'll find that my back Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on'. Жена казака Опанаса Настолько была толстомяса Что мог он вполне На мясистой спине Уснуть без белья и матраса. -- Ерш Блондинки с фигурами гладкими Всегда на грузин были падкими, Мол, "Женись на мне, Гоги, И грей свои ноги У меня на спине между складками." -- Ерш & Янка A deep-throated virgin named Netty Was sucking a cock on the jetty. She said, "It tastes nice, Much better than rice, Though not quite as good as spaghetti." Девица по имени Нэтти Весьма преуспела в минете. Призналась она: "Это лучше пшена, Но (вздох) далеко не спагетти..." -- Раффи и Ерш To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective: 'Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your east tit the least bit The best of the west tit? Or is it a trick of perspective?' Шерлок Холмс, замечательныи сыщик Обнаружил у Ватсона прыщик. "Повернитесь, мон шер..." "Ах, зачем же вы, Шер..." "Я - за лупой. Терпите, дружище." -- Ерш There once was a pious young priest Who lived almost wholly on yest "For", he said, "It's plain, We must all rise again, And I want to get started at least" Преподобный Макарий Берлага Ест моченый горох, бедолага, И твердит: "Чтоб спастись, Должен я вознестись И нужна будет сильная тяга." -- Ерш There was a young lady called Valerie Who started to count every calory Said her boss in disgust: "If you lose half your bust You'll be worth only half of your salary!" Решила строиной стать Маирам И стала бегать по утрам. Но, лишь пошел на убыль вес, К неи шеф утратил интерес И срезал ставку у Маирам - По десять тыщ за килограмм... -- Ерш Секретарша по имени Кэтти Третий день уж сидит на диете. В гневе бросил ей босс: "Похудеет ваш бюст, Вам урежу оклад на две трети!" (И.Р.) There was a Young Lady, whose chin Resembled a point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, And purchased the harp. And played several tunes with her chin Подбородок у юной девицы Был похож на вязальную спицу, И на арфе порой, То, что трудно рукой, Подбородком играла девица. (И.Р.) There was a Young Lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilf flute; She played several jigs To her uncle's white pigs, That amusing Young Lady of Bute. Девица из Гомеля рьяно Любила свое фортепиано... Ноктюрны свои Для белой свиньи Играла она постоянно. (И.Р.) "Now really, young man, you're a bore," Said a Lady Priscilla van Blore. "I'm covered with sweat And you haven't come yet And my God - it is quarter past four!" "Ах мой друг, Вы такая зануда," Вся в поту, простонала Гертруда, "Вот уж целую ночь Я стараюсь помочь Вам извлечь кой-чего кой-откуда..." -- Ерш & Янка There was an old man from Peru Who dreamt he was eating his shoe. He awoke in a fright In the middle of the night And found it was perfectly true. Однажды увидел чудак Во сне, что он ест свои башмак. Он вмиг пробудился И убедился, Что это деиствительно так. -- М. Редькина Увидел во сне раз дурак, Что ест он какои-то башмак: Проснувшись в поту, С ботинком во рту Он понял: все именно так! -- А. Гощитский Приснилось раз деду по пянке Что грязные ест он портянки. Он вскочил среди ночи Испуганный очень И портянок увидел останки. -- Ерш Раз увидел во сне старый дед, Что он делает автоминет. Он тотчас пробудился, И весьма удивился, Кончив в рот первый раз за сто лет. (И.Р.) There once was a monk from Siberia Whose manners were rather inferior He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done And now she's a Mother Superior Жил-был поп в деревеньке Хохлатушки Озорник же был - Батюшки-Святушки! Столь был на *уй востер, Что Христовых сестер Из монашек спроваживал в матушки. -- Ерш Поп Макарий из Верхнетюменья, Проявив и напор и уменье, Смог монашку поймать И ее уломать Так теперь она мать... игуменья. -- Ерш There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine: Both concave and convex, It would fit either sex - And could play with itself in between. Один старичок из Нагои Изобрел аппарат вот такои: Он свисал аж до полу, Был обоего полу, И меж делом играл сам с собою. -- Д. Манин Автомат для утех некий князь Изобрел, этим явно гордясь. Тот весь двор ублажал, А меж делом вступал Сам с собою в обратную связь. (Д. Данилов) The nephew of one of the czars Used to suck off Rasputin at Yars, Till the peasants revolted, The royal family bolted - Now they're under the sickle and stars. Российский вельможа Гагарин Сосал у Распутина в Яре, Между тем большевизм Учинил катаклизм - Теперь там царит пролетарий. -- Леонид Поляк A Limerick gets laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. Краток лимерик - тем и хорош, На щекотку немного похож. Жаль, смешные, обычно, Весьма неприличны, От приличных - со скуки помрешь. -- В.Гурвич. Если слух ваш корежит от мата - В этом форма стиха виновата: Очень трудно, простите, В пять строк уместить Юмор, смысл и отсутствие мата! ( Вл.Андреев) There was a young maiden of Siam Who said to her lover, young Kiam, "If you kiss me, of course, You will have to use force,- But god knows you are stronger that I am." Раз одна уроженка Сиднея Кавалеру сказала, бледнея: "Поцелуя, мои милый, Ты добьешься лишь силои, Но, ей-богу, ты много сильнее." -- В.Гурвич. A Turk by the name of Haroun Ate whisky by means of a spoon To one who asked why This turk made reply: "To drink is forbidden, you loon." Мусульманин Абу-Бен-Симбел Виски ложкои столовою ел. На вопрос, в чем причина, Он сказал: "Дурачина! ПИТь спиртное Аллах не велел." -- В.Гурвич. A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along, And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. У юной купальщицы горе - Всю одежду похитило море. Глядь, мужчина шагает... Прав ли я, полагая, Что вы ждете скабрезной истории? -- В.Гурвич. There was a young lady of Sturky Who had an affair with a darkie. The results of their sins Were quadruplets, not twins, One black, and two white, and one khaki. Синьорина одна в Рио-Негро Содержала любовника-негра. И от этих затей Родилось пять детей: Черный, белый и три вроде зебры. -- В.Гурвич. There was a young lady of Kent Who said that she knew what it meant When men asked her to dine, And served cocktails and wine; She knew what it meant - but she went! Девица одна из Орла Проницательна очень была, И зачем ее джином Угощают мужчины Понимала, но все же пила. -- В.Гурвич. There was a young lady named Mabel Who said, "I don't thing I'm abel; But I'm willing to try. So where shall I lie - On the bed, on the floor or the tabel ?" Красотка по имени Джулия Сказала: "Не знаю, смогулия, Но надо решиться; Так где мне ложиться - На софе, на полу, на шкафулия?" -- В.Гурвич. There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex live was strangely amiss. For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would seldom do better than t h i s . Пылкый малый по имени Клим Слабым полом не очень любим, Ибо даже с Венерой Член сего лицемера Остается все время т а к и м . ? The Jung Idea The young things who frequent picture-palaces Have no use for this psycho-analysis; And although doctor Freud Is distinctly annoyed They cling to their long-standing fallacies. В клубе кинолюбителей Вены Фрэйд толкует пикантные сцены. И хотя, говорят, Голый Фрэйд скучноват, Но встречаются стойкие члены. -- И.Гр. (ред. В.Гурвич) Our vicar's an absolute lamb; But when he sat dawn in a jam On taking his seat At our sunday school treat We all heard the poor man say:... "... Stand up, please, while I say grace !" Жил-был поп возле города Чоп - Ангелок средь духовных особ, Он даже во гневе Апеллировал к деве, Восклицая:" Ах, мать... Пресвятая богородица, помилуй нас грешных!" -- И.Гр. There was a young lady of Maine Who declared she'd a man on her brain. But you knew from the view Of her waist as it grew It was not on her brain that he'd lain. Говорила решительно Мод Что мужчину за пояс заткнет, И, взявшись за дело, Весьма преуспела: Стоит только взглянуть на живот. -- Т.Гр. There was a young fellow of Ealing Endowed with such delicate feeling, When he read on the door, "Don't spit on the floor", He lent back and spat on the ceiling. Знаменитыи философ Джон Локк Дни и ночи плевал в потолокк, Так как был он начитан И изрядно воспитан, И никак плюнуть на пол не мокк. -- В.Гурвич A young girl who was no good at tennis But at swimming was really a menace Took pains to explain, "It depends how to train; I was a streetwalker in Venice." Бьет рекорды пловчиха Лукреция, Знатоки одолели вконец ее: "Откроите секрет Ваших славных побед". "Я работаю шлюхой в Венеции". -- И.Гр.

Sign Fail

I wonder where this poster is "located"

Personal Ad Fail

MisunderstandingZ

A hilarious video take from Macmillan official site.

Moms-In-Law

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better seeing relations between them were very sour.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law? "
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

flying tackle

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

flying tackle: "Вероятно, с моей стороны не очень корректно постить ляп из любительского сетевого перевода, и если так, буду благодарна модератору за премодерацию. :)

Читаю Pratchett, Making Money.

Один из печатников уже собирался их уничтожить, когда Мойст помешал ему раскачивающимся тросом.
One of the printers had been about to destroy them when Moist brought him down with a flying tackle.

Увы, на раскачивающийся трос моего богатого воображения не хватило."

It'll make your day

I was laughing with the guy around 5 minutes; I watched this video twice. I'm sure he's gonna make you laugh as well.

more about "It'll make your day", posted with vodpod

Bad Domain Names

"All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...
Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/
There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/
And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com/
If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com/
The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com/
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com/

Funny NBC Sports Olympic Comments

"Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would probably want to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Bad Taste Joke

" I don’t know what it is about this joke that makes it funny, but I’m pretty sure I did the right thing having posted it at Deadly English. Anyways, one has to start the day with a smile on his face even if he/she’s suffering with a bout of severe hangover made worse by sickening heartburn.

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Dumb Farmer

"A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. He decides to call a local vet for advise. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what the vet means. Not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back home and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into his truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls into bed.
Next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No" she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

Some psychiatrist jokes for this hot but still beautiful day

Some psychiatrist jokes for this hot but still beautiful day: "# # #
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
- "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
- "Yes, I do," the patient replied.
- "Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked,
- "What does that tell you?"
- "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
* * *
Patient:
- Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist:
- Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient:
- Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
$ $ $
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other,
- "Why are you here?"
The second answers,
- "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks,
- "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds,
- "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts,
- "NO I DIDN'T!"

"

Say what u mean.

"Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

Red Riding Hood – Deadly English style!

"Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"